Featured 9/14-16/2k
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I recently read an interview of known Nader-supporter,
Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam, in which he revealed an intention,
half-jokingly, to migrate north to Canada if Daffy McBush (aka
G.W., if I must be fair...but I mustn't) gets elected president.
Well, Bush is obviously an inexperienced, misguided hack when
it comes to politics, but is his potential election a reason
to leave? I have been getting a little antsy, so this little
personal ultimatum for Mr. Vedder cleared some avenues of thought
in my own homemade brain. I considered...what would be so powerful
-- good or bad -- that will eventually make me want to get out
of these here 50 states?
Well, in accordance with the Laws of Coffee-Table Books (section
41-P, specifically), I figured I'd make a list of 101 items that
fit the above criteria. But then I realized that writing for
that long would most certainly cut into tonight's rerun of "Family
Ties" (the classic episode where Alex can't find his right
eyeball), so I cut that number in half. Well, not totally in
half, because I didn't want to come up with List Item #50-1/2
-- partly because I despise sentence fragments, and partly because
I didn't want to arouse people by perhaps reminding them of "9-1/2
Weeks."
So, in the spirit of "365 Ways to Cook Chicken," in
no particular order, here it is...
50 Things That Will Make Me Leave This Country:
1. The election of George W. Bush as President of the
United States.
2. The election of Al Gore as President of the United
States.
3. The election of Pat Buchanan as President of the United
States. [Oops. This one was supposed to be on my next list, "50
Things That Will Happen When Pigs Fly, Impress Us With Various
Aerial Acrobatics, And Explode In A Hail Of Bac-O's."]
4. The occurrence of one more freakin' chick-flick using
The Police's "Every Breath You Take" in its trailer.
It's a song about stalking, people!
5. Chick-flicks.
6. So-called "smooth jazz." Whatever happened
to the name "easy-listening"?
7. Milton Berle in my bedroom.
8. People who close their eyes when they talk.
9. American people who put the period outside of quotation
marks at the end of the sentence...especially if they say "It's
supposed to go on the outside".
10. Me. [See the previous item. If you're a bit slow and
don't get it, e-mail me and I'll walk you through it...]
11. People who write sarcastic, biting comments in brackets
when it's just uncalled-for.
12. A music industry that is hit-driven, with no regard
and little protection for the artist.
13. Superstition.
14. People who don't realize that, unless you're referring
to Annie Lennox's fine album, the term "Diva" is a
synonym for "Spoiled Egocentric Bitch."
15. Pudding.
16. Socks.
17. Brevity.
18. Long-windedness, that is to say, when people go on
and on and on without pause or intent to cease talking or writing,
and...
19. Predictable follow-up jokes.
20. True freakin' love, man.
21. The expiration of my green card.
22. One more person telling me "A vote for Nader
is a wasted vote!" Sure, he won't win this time, but don't
you want more than two absolutely pathetic choices??
23. Milton Berle in my kitchen.
24. Because I told you so about Hootie & the Blowfish.
25. A lack of truly adorable veterinarians on this continent.
26. The fact that everybody loves Raymond. And he's such
a bastard.
27. The opportunity to join Radiohead.
28. His dumb red uniform. [Oops, I've blundered yet again.
This item is for the list after next, "Things That Will
Make Me Heave This Mountie."]
29. Extreme abuse of the privilege of carrying around
a cell phone. [Nonono, don't deny it. Yeah, you in the restaurant
with the Nokia.]
30. A culture that gets off on the barely-censored traumatic
shit that is reality-based TV. Educational, my ass.
31. My educational ass. [The prospect of getting off it,
that is.]
32. The evil that is Jack
Jameson.
33. The stern advice of the Witness Protection Program.
34. The ratio of a city's happiness to the success of
its sports teams. [Gee, I'm not talking about Philly, am I?]
35. Goddam novelty songs. It seems like only yesterday
we were doin' da butt; now we're lettin' the dawgs out.
36. Nurse Barbie. [Disregard this one -- I now see I've
accidentally mixed my X-mas list with this list...]
37. Because we can't even get Gary Coleman consensually
laid.
38. I'm just too goddam far from EuroDisney.
39. There's just not enough room in this country for both
me and Jimmy Smits.
40. Lars Ulrich has now moved into my house and won't
allow fun of any kind.
41. I doubt England would fine you thirty f%#@ing dollars
for parking your car on the curb for one &#*#@%minute!!!
*#@%$!!!!
42. Hey...can I bum a soda? I'm thirsty.
43. Because you all are such miserable bastards.
44. So, ferry 'cross the Mersey, 'cause that land's the
place I love. And there I'll stay. There I'll stay. [Ask your
dad.]
45. All the old people that think all wives should stay
home and cook and clean haven't died off yet.
46. Please pardon my profanity, but I must make myself
clear: this country is too fucking racist.
47. Because once you've seen Ohio, man, there's just nowhere
else you need to go.
48. There is a tropical sunset with my name on it.
49. I've just given you 48 good reasons for leaving already...do
you really need another??
...and finally...
50. A plane or a boat.
...lemmee know what I left out and perhaps
I'll post it next time...
--->e-mail me<---
end #2
10-19-2k
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